Forgiveness after betrayal
- Jane Gibb
- Aug 21
- 4 min read
Some people in the recovery community have called forgiveness "the other F word". It's true that forgiveness has been weaponised against victims of betrayal, adding to the imbalance of relational responsibility by emphasising forgiveness over genuine repentance and the living amends of observable change in heart and action. In this post, I'm absolutely not advocating for forgiveness as the one-stop-shop of betrayal recovery. Nor am I suggesting that forgiveness without genuine change in the offender equals relational repair. The responsibility for the repair sits squarely with the one who did the betraying.
However, I'm discovering that forgiveness given freely and from the heart powerfully provides a way forward when stuck in confusion and loss. It sets us free from the festering pain of hanging onto a victim identity that will end up shriveling our hearts and eating us from the inside with bitterness and resentment.
Forgiveness is both a choice we make and a journey we embark on. It is a posture of openness that sees reality clearly and knows the bounds of its own responsibility. It is not a covering for a mess we can't acknowledge. It is not excusing offences or saying that what happened didn't matter or didn't hurt that much. Far from denying the truth of wrongs done, it courageously names them and chooses to let go of demanding payment.
A few caveats here about what forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not the same as trust. The demand for relational payment can be released while effective boundaries are staunchly upheld. The difference is that the true responsibility shifts from your shoulders to God's and to the one who has done the wrong.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation involves true repentance and change on the part of the offender as well as forgiveness on the part of the offended. Reconciliation is a two-way process. Forgiveness may be a gift placed on the table, but reconciliation does not happen until the offender receives the gift by deeply owning their need for it through true repentance.
Forgiveness does not necessarily negate consequences. Material and living amends are still appropriate as demonstration of the offender's responsibility for harm caused. Failure to accept consequences is a signifcant sign that the offender has not yet reached deep repentance. Zacchaeus paid back four times what he owed as demonstration of his repentance.
What are the components of forgiveness?
Be honest about the offence. Name the wrongs done in plain language. Many might feel this is harsh or too painful, but naming wrongs clearly, at whatever level we understand them, begins the truthful work of placing the debt in the relational ledger. For many years I vascillated about hurts I received in a long-term relationship. I explained away, I excused because of context, I blamed myself. I said, "This hurts, but maybe I'm misunderstanding." The day I began to clearly name the wrongs: lying, stonewalling, gaslighting, pretending, etc. was the day I opened the door for forgiveness. It set me free from confusion about who was responsible.
Consider what was lost because of the offence. Did you lose your sense of self-worth? Did you lose financial stability? Did you suffer physical effects because of the stress of the wrong done to you? For betrayed partners, often there is loss of the marriage I thought I had, the husband I thought I had, the future I thought was mine. This is excruciating work and best done with good self-care and support. It is part of putting what is owed in the ledger so that it can be released.
Actively work through the emotions that the offence has created for you. If there is anger, acknowledge it and work through it. If there is confusion, find some loving support to help you work it through or journal to support your clarity. If there is sadness, make space for sitting with your sadness. Invite some safe others to sit with you as you experience the weight of the losses and pain your have experienced. Coaching can provide this for you as you move towards clarity.
Consider releasing. How heavy is this weight you are carrying? How is it impacting you? What would it be like to be free of this weight? What would it be like to release these offences and their costs to God who sees and knows all? He can do so much more with it than your unforgiveness ever will.
Release. Name what you are releasing to yourself and to God. It can be helpful to create a sensory experience to support the experience of releasing. This might be as simple as opening your closed fists or lifting your hands, whispering or shouting the words of forgiveness. It may also include symbolic actions like throwing rocks, burning something symbolic, burying something emblematic or creating something that materially expresses the step you are taking. There might be music or dance or poetry that gives voice to your experience. In some cases it may also be appropriate and healing to also communicate forgiveness to the offender.
As pain, sadness, anger and confusion return (which they likely will), gently remind yourself that this has been released. Return to your sensory experience as needed to anchor in the sense of forgiving. Also be aware that new offences will likely need their own process.
Someone has wisely said, "Unforgiveness is the poison we drink, hoping someone else will die." It's important to engage the process of figuring out what happened and making sense of your story. At some point, and maybe at many points afterwards, the opportunity to choose forgiveness over bitterness will make itself known. When that happens, what will bring you the life you were made for?
