“They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. “Peace, peace,” they say, “when there is no peace.” Jeremiah 6:14
God makes this accusation against the prophets and priests who glibly lie about the true state of the nation. This was gaslighting at the highest levels. The city was under siege. Famine had the people by the throat. Idolatry, immorality and violence were rampant. Children died daily as sacrifices to the gods and to the lies. Yet the spiritual leaders of the city repeated the opiate words of peace when disaster loomed. The lying assurances of peace actually prevented peace because they blocked ears to hearing the truth and responding with action. Complacency, especially among the powerful, sent the people hurtling down the path of ruin.
If you are a betrayed partner, you know the pain of lying assurances. I want to suggest five scenarios in which this can be experienced by people in relationship with a person with problematic sexual behaviours.
1. The Recovery Con
In this scenario, the betrayer assures the partner that all is well while actively engaging in the betraying behaviours. In other words, he perpetrates a recovery con. Incredible damage is perpetrated by betrayers who falsely claim to be in recovery while still secretly acting out. The partner’s trust and safety take a deadly hit that requires tremendous investment to address. Lying words of “nothing to worry about” while addiction is covertly present multiply the loss of trust exponentially. Peace, peace, when there is no peace.
2. I've Stopped It Already
Another way this plays out is when the addict has white-knuckled his way to sobriety without fully entering the whole life recovery needed. Clients have told me that their husband doesn’t see the need to get help because “he’s not doing it any more”. He resists therapy, group work, filters and accountability because there is “peace”. But he is still emotionally immature, defensive and lacking empathy. Confusion and frustration mark the partner’s experience as her gut tells her that something is off when he hasn’t become teachable and humble in his claim of “sobriety”. The truth is that ceasing the acting out behaviours without addressing the underlying drivers and learning emotional intelligence is difficult, if not impossible, to maintain. Sobriety does not equal recovery. Peace, peace, when there is no peace.
3. You're the One who Needs Help - Not Me
Another aspect of this concept is when the betrayer fails to grasp the depth of hurt and destruction caused by his actions. He minimises the pain or the losses caused, or worse, flicks the responsibility back onto the person he has hurt. He charges her with fault because “she can’t move on or forgive”. He expects his partner to remove boundaries and restore trust instantly as if nothing happened. He fails to develop empathy and true remorse for all the damage he has done. Peace, peace, when there is no peace.
4. When Helpers Hurt the Hurting
Words of false assurance may come from people from whom help is sought. They may be friends, mentors, pastors and counsellors. Couples may be told that the problem is simply communication, a misunderstanding, or “every man’s battle”. It may be spoken to as differences of opinion without the oppressive nature of deception and betrayal being acknowledged or addressed. The partner may get the message that she is to blame in some way or that she is making a big deal out of something that’s quite normal. A couple who went for help to trusted mentors were told that “all men struggle with this sort of thing” and that calling the wife’s experience “trauma” was to make it much worse than it really was. The advice he got was to try harder not to; the advice she got was to pray more. The advice they needed was to seek qualified help. Another woman told me that her pastor’s wife recommended she buy some special lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom and fix the problem. Peace, peace when there is no peace.
5. I’m Making Too Much of It
Lastly, and sadly, partners may tell themselves that what has happened isn’t that bad. She is exhausted by trauma effects of hypervigilance, nightmares, racing thoughts and crying while telling herself that she’s making a mountain out of a molehill. That she’s too sensitive, too much, too needy. That others have it much worse and she should just be grateful for what she has and get on with it. These messages may be ingrained in her thinking from her upbringing or from misapplied spiritual concepts. It’s also possible that these responses come from a place of seeking “safety”, of avoiding the pain of engaging with the truth. In the moment it can feel a lot easier to deny it and hide from it rather than meeting it. But seeking safety in untruth is like hiding from a thunderstorm under a steel pylon. You will get wet and you may get struck by lightning to boot. Peace, peace, when there is no peace.
God rebuked the leaders who falsely claimed all was well when disaster was bearing down. He is a God of truth as well as peace. Jesus says it is the truth that will set us free. Living in truth, facing reality, is the hard we need to face to reach the better we want to feel. Living in denial is like ignoring the lump in your breast, lying to yourself about its presence or significance, and finding out too late to remove the lump and losing the whole breast - or maybe your life - instead. None of the treatment is desirable - the disruption to life, the surgery, the radiation, the chemo, the pain and exhaustion. But when you’re through it all, the hoped-for outcome is to be cancer-free and healthy again.
Give yourself permission to tell yourself the truth about your situation - the facts and the impacts. Allow yourself to turn down other's deceiving words of peace and stay grounded to reality. Naming the real problem is the first step to finding a real solution.
Jane tenderly and skilfully comes alongside women seeking healing from betrayal trauma. She is a certified partner coach candidate with APSATS.
If you want to contact Jane for help with healing from the effects of sexual betrayal, contact her here.
Photo of bandaid by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash
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