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Unhelpful help when dealing with betrayal trauma



Tasha's face was pale with disbelief as she recalled the memory. She had gone with her husband to share with a trusted mentor couple that he had been caught looking at porn and that she was devastated by it. The mentor husband spoke with concern, his brow crinkling with care, as he looked directly at Tasha, and ever so gently wiped away her reality.


"Tasha, this is a problem that all men struggle with," he soothed. "You don't need to feel so upset. You're probably just a bit too sensitive about this common problem. Why don't you just pray a little harder for your husband and turn your worries over to God? God wouldn't want you to hold unforgiveness in your heart towards him."


Tasha stared back. Numb.


When the next discovery happened, Tasha found herself avoiding people and uncertain where to turn for help. The unhelpful help she and her husband had received from their mentor had created another layer of pain, another barrier, to seeking appropriate care.


This story is one example of how helpers can get in the way of healing when porn addiction in the relationship is causing distress for the partner. Sometimes, when a woman finds the courage to get help, the help creates more layers of distress, of shame, of confusion, of pain. I'm not saying that this happens intentionally. It may be a result of lack of training or simplistic views about addiction and betrayal. Often the discomfort of sitting with someone else's pain can create a desire to distance from the problem or "fix" it. Finding helpful help is essential to authentic healing.


What unhelpful help might look like

Let me give you some examples and share why they might be problematic.


  • I went to my pastor for help because I found out that my husband had been looking at porn. He was very kind and listened patiently. He asked if it would be all right for his wife to contact me and I agreed. The next day I got an invitation from his wife to coffee. That's when she pulled a lingerie gift card out of her bag and offered me some encouragement to spice things up in the bedroom.

    • The subtext: He's looking at porn because you aren't meeting his needs.

    • The sub-sub-subtext: Sex is a man's basic need and it's a wife's job to see that it gets met.

    • The sub-sub-subtext: Your needs for safety and fidelity in the relationship aren't important.

    • The impact: Increased shame that I'm being blamed for the problem. Confusion. Continued acting out and the emotional abuse of blaming, justifying and minimising. Anxiety. Loss of trust and support from the pastor and his wife.


  • We had made an appointment with our team leader to tell him something we were struggling with. When we told him about my husband's porn addiction, he breathed a big sigh and said, "Oh, is that all? I thought you were going to say something much worse."

    • The subtext: You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

    • The sub-subtext: I've got bigger fish to fry than this little problem.

    • The sub-sub-subtext: Your needs aren't valid or important to me.

    • The impact: Loss of trust with the team leader. Loss of support and care. Self-minimising. Not seeking care because it's a "small" problem.


  • I shared with my friend that my husband had been unfaithful to me and I didn't know what to do. She said, "Oh no! That's so hard! How can we save your marriage?"

    • The subtext: I'm assuming that saving the marriage is your priority.

    • The sub-subtext: I didn't hear that you are heartbroken because your husband has been unfaithful.

    • The sub-sub-subtext: Your need for space to work out what you need is less important than what I need - to feel better by trying to fix your marriage.

    • The impact: Feeling unseen and unheard and feeling more shame that I'm in a marriage that isn't working. Loss of trust and support from this friend. Isolation.


  • I told my mum that I was really hurting and feeling upset about what my husband had done with his acting out. I was struggling to trust him after all the lies he had told me before I discovered his addiction last year. She said, "Don't you think it's time you just forgave him and moved on?

    • The subtext: Forgiveness is the magic pill that makes all the feelings go away.

    • The sub-subtext: I'm uncomfortable sitting with your unresolved pain.

    • The sub-sub-subtext: Your lingering pain is your fault.

    • The impact: Increased shame about inability to forgive or that forgiveness isn't working. Loss of trust with mum. Loss of the support. Isolation.


  • We went to a marriage therapist to get help after my husband was discovered acting out over many years. I could see she was trying to help us with communication skills and emotions sharing. It seemed okay, but I felt that she didn't really get that I had lost my confidence in him because of the lying and the blaming. She told me it was time to close that old book because he had repented and start fresh.

    • The subtext: Once the behaviour is confessed, it's time to move forward with the relationship.

    • The sub-subtext: This is a marriage problem.

    • The sub-sub-subtext: Ongoing reluctance on the part of the partner is about her stuff, not about her safety.

    • The impact: Lack of proper amends. Likely relapse. Ongoing relational power imbalance. Partner's continued lack of safety in the relationship.


So how do you find the help that really helps?

Here are just a few tips to help you get the support that will move you towards healing.


  • Test the waters before you dive all in. If you are not sure if this will be a source of help and support to you, try some generalised "feeling it out" before you commit with all the details.

    • Ask what they think about porn addiction and betrayal trauma

    • Share a tiny slice of your pain and see what happens

    If you notice that you don't feel safe with their response, honour that.

  • Ask for what you want.

    • Your might say you are looking for some resources or a referral.

    • You might say that you just want them to listen for now and not make any suggestions or comments.

    • You might respectfully remind them or end the conversation if they are not honouring your request.

  • Ask what their training and experience is with helping in this area.

These organisations have "find a specialist" pages to help you with your search for professional support.


If you have been hurt by unhelpful help, this was not your fault. Trained help is available to you. Reach out and book a session to find out more.



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