One of the most powerful metaphors in the biblical narrative is of God, the redeeming lover, jilted by the unfaithful choices of his bride Israel. God chose them and brought them into intimacy with him, providing for them with love and faithfulness under a covenant of blood. Yet they repeatedly turned from him and chose other lovers, other gods, going through the motions of the covenant while defiling the bond of their covenant with their idolatry. As a betrayal trauma coach, I’ve been reading the Old Testament book of Jeremiah with fresh eyes. Seeing God in this way validates so much of the gut-wrenching experience of betrayal in marriage.
I’m not intending this blog to be a theological treatise on a lengthy prophetic book. Instead, I want to draw out some observations from this book relevant to betrayed spouses. I’m not suggesting that God has the same limitations as human being or that he has trauma symptoms. I am noticing the depth at which the Eternal God gets the agony of the betrayal experience. Betrayal stirs up bone-crushing painful feelings, and God Himself stands with betrayed partners in their pain. I want to highlight four of these: pain-laced memories, self-blame, anger and longing.
Pain-laced memories. In chapter 2 verse 2, God says to Israel, “I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the wilderness.” This account is an evocative recollection of the days of their courtship and early love, the exciting, hope-filled entering of covenant. It paints a picture of their relationship that is now seared with pain. The experience of partner betrayal often pours pain on the recollections of the past and casts questions over the experience of love in the relationship. Betrayed partners experience pain when looking at photos of the past, the meaning recast in light of awful secrets from that time revealed. Betrayed partners’ guts wrench when hearing wedding vows, remembering the breaking of their own. Betrayed partners often experience triggers around dates that used to be sweet but are now soured with sadness in the awareness of the overlay of what else was happening at special times. “I remember your devotion,” says God to his unfaithful bride, his heart filled with pain at the memory.
Self-blame. “What fault did you find in me?” asks God (2:5) While God is not blaming himself for their betrayal, he does ask the question that many betrayed partners ask: “What is wrong with me that you betrayed me?” The issue of self-blame is tied to the crippling experience of shame that something about me is wrong. It’s because I’m no good, I’m too needy, I’m unlovable, I’m stupid and naive, that these things have happened to me. The flagellation of self-blame cuts to the core of identity and worthiness as a human being. It leads partners to isolate, to hide, to avoid seeking support. It is the poisonous fumes of hell’s lies that I am to blame for what someone else did to hurt me. Even God uses the language of “What fault did you find in me?”, words which deeply resonate with the self-blaming facet of the betrayal experience.
Anger. The book of Jeremiah is filled with outrageous anger as God describes the judgment he will bring on them. Anger is a justifiable response to injustice, and there is no injustice like the betrayal of trust by an intimate partner. Betrayed partners often feel overwhelming anger as the layers of betraying behaviours and cover ups come to light. Anger may express itself as hot rage or cold resentment. It may bubble up as sarcasm. It may morph into physical expressions like digestive distress and blood pressure and heart issues. Anger drives fight and flight responses as betrayed partners seek safety from the threat that is the person they have trusted with their vows. The very person who has promised to protect and love them is now a threat to their survival and safety. Often anger functions as a wall of protection from further hurt. God gets your anger. He was betrayed by his own people, and his anger is spelled out in the prophecies of Jeremiah.
Longing. God’s heart longs for his people to make things right with him, to turn back, repent of their idolatry and run wholeheartedly into his arms. The severed attachment bond often draws betrayed partners into that place of longing for the betrayer to show up and be the person they need him to be. The push and pull of the threat response and the attachment longing is what Michelle Mays calls the “betrayal bind”. While it makes sense to run from the person who has shown himself to be untrustworthy, longing for the connection and bond created in the neurochemistry of attachment and shared history places a betrayed partner on the rack of opposing desires. The desire to be safe and the desire to be close compete with each other in a torturous tug of war. God understands the longing for closeness to the intimate partner, even the one who has been unfaithful.
When I opened this Old Testament book, I was astounded by the depth as which God understands the experience of betrayal. He knows what you are going through. You are not alone.
Jane tenderly and skilfully comes alongside women seeking healing from betrayal trauma. She is a certified partner coach candidate with APSATS.
If you want to contact Jane for help with healing from the effects of sexual betrayal, contact her here.
Comments