One of the saddest realities I see in my practice is the refusal of the betraying partner to take responsibility. Sexual secrets have white-anted the relationship; his inconsistency, deflecting, blaming, raging and minimising have torn at her broken heart; and relational safety is further away than ever. Refusing to take responsibility is not about words; it is evidenced by action (or inaction).
What does refusal to take responsibility look like?
The shocking biblical word for a person who consistently refuses responsibility and correction is “fool”. He or she
won’t listen to wisdom (Pr. 1:7)
is always “right” (Pr. 12:17)
minimises sin (Pr. 14:9)
is deceptive and verbally poisonous (Pr. 10:18)
picks fights and enjoys provoking others (Pr. 10:23)
When you have done your best to make your needs known and have consistently been met with defensiveness, attack, stonewalling and other kinds of refusal to take responsibility in the relationship, it might be time to grieve what is not, accept what is, and change the way you interact. What does wise communication look like with a person who exhibits the foolish qualities listed above?
Two ways to be wise when engaging with refusal to repent
There is a kernel of wisdom about this topic in Proverbs 26:4-5, and it reads like a riddle: “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.” While this riddle appears to be contradicting itself, it actually makes two important points about how to communicate with a person who behaves as a fool.
Don't let yourself be drawn in
First, avoid being dragged into the folly. That means keep your head and your heart clear of the troublemaking weeds, saying no to being drawn into arguments, begging, power moves and defending yourself. Step back and give yourself space to refuse to be part of the melée, to honour God and others by living according to the principles of good relationship, allowing that person to be where they're at while choosing to take responsibility for yourself. God calls you to the kind of humble living that recognises what you do and don't have control over and sets you free from fruitless efforts to make others change their behaviour. Go gently with God in this as the freedom of letting go often begins with a season of grieving what is not.
Stick to the necessities
Second, choose to communicate with plain clarity about the essentials while avoiding lengthy explanations and exposing the tender recesses of your heart. Do the necessary business in uncluttered language and don’t make yourself vulnerable by trying too hard to have your heart and motives understood. It’s enough that you and God know these things. Jesus tells us not to cast our pearls before pigs lest they trample the pearls then turn and tear you to pieces (Mt. 7:6). He is urging us to engage safely with a person who has demonstrated an ingrained pattern of refusing to take responsibility for their destructive behaviours. And safety looks like keeping what is precious where it is less likely to be harmed.
This work is very hard especially when it involves an intimate partner or other close family member. You will likely need the caring support of friends who are cheering on your wellbeing, people you can turn to when big emotions come up and who will hold space for your process. Support groups are nurturing safe spaces where this can happen.
Being in relationship with a person who refuses to take responsibility for their hurtful and harmful behaviours can be exhausting. It's hard for the heart to let go of hope for the relief of change and longed-for safety, especially when the cost of letting go is high. However, continuing to beg for change when there is little evidence of it happening comes with its own cost. Letting go and enacting godly boundaries in the way we interact, while bringing on a season of grief, also makes space for peace in your heart.