This is the firestorm of sexual betrayal. Caring for your traumatised parts is priority as you rise from the ashes of your former reality. A traumatised brain is a brain that doesn’t feel safe. Our brains are wired to warn us of danger, and when trauma happens, our brains store the scary data where no words live but reactions spontaneously erupt or our feelings flatline to spare us the pain of engaging. The fire alarms of our limbic system continue to be tripped as our minds and bodies try to grasp our new reality and possibly engage with additional fires of new information.

Finding safety and stabilising trauma symptoms is the first work of betrayal recovery.  You are a survivor of the firestorm in need of intensive care. When some stability is achieved, you can then breathe enough to begin to grasp what actually happened (and is happening) and enter an active grieving process as part of regaining your sense of self.  Whether or not your relationship survives, a gentle process of working out your integrated story can bring healing and meaning. Post-traumatic growth does happen. It’s also possible, if both partners are on board, to emerge from the firestorm with a stronger marriage, rebuilt with rigorous honesty and empathy. 

I know you don’t want to stay in fire alarm mode. I know you want to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other until you are walking - and even running - confidently again.